While I agree with Sandra Bem’s analysis of gender spheres, where there are clear boundaries dividing masculine from feminine, I also agree with an earlier post by Drizzle that argues Bem’s proposal is unrealistic because it does not adequately take into account the way gender roles are reinforced in ways that are beyond the control of parents. By extension, I also disagree with Bem's supporter, Lady Lazarus. By focusing narrowly on child rearing practices, Bem and Lady Lazarus do not propose a realistic model of social change. I think it is important to raise a child to be conscious of gender stereotypes, but I think there is a difference between raising your child to question gender stereotypes and raising them to be a martyr—your martyr—for social change. A more moderate approach begins by recognizing that there are degrees to which a child could be raised to be gender aschematic, and the view expressed in Lady Lazarus’ blog seems too extreme to me. In my view, it is sufficient to provide a child with the means of recognizing a stereotype as only one particular claim about a group of people. Revealing a stereotype in this way allows children to question whether a stereotype is useful or "true," This conscientizing process can be done without forcing one’s child to engage in a confrontational politics before they are ready. . .
As an adult, Betsy Lucal and other activists like her made their own choices not to “do” gender; is it fair to make this decision for a child? Activism is sometimes necessary to produce change, but when a child is forced to become an activist for a cause they do not yet understand, they may be harmed. People come to perceive their own gender based on the responses others offer them. If a child is not taught to “do” gender in the usual or expected way, or if they are forced to disrupt the gender binary, then they are being set up to have difficult interactions with others. Such difficult interactions will undoubtedly involve name calling and bullying and will shape the perceptions children form about themselves. In making our children activists, we have moved well beyond merely equipping them with the tools necessary to reveal harmful stereotypes. Let me be clear. I wholly support raising children to be aware of harmful stereotypes. However, I think Lady Lazarus’ support of Sandra Bem’s notion of gender aschematic child rearing is an advocation for unnecessary and unjustifiable martyrdom that can only harm children. Ideally, human beings should be nurtured to a point where they are able to form their own conclusions about the many gender-based ideas they encounter in the world. Children just aren’t ready to face such decisions, and they should be protected until they are ready. Once a child is old enough to contemplate the gender binary, they may very well decide it is necessary for them to reject conventional ideas, which tie masculinity to boys and femininity to girls. They may decide it is necessary to “un-do” gender, but this should only be a decision they confront when they are old enough to understand the potential consequences. ~ Vassmaster
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Growing up with a mother who came from an abusive upbringing, and has centered her career on helping battered women, it has been hard to escape from the realities of domestic violence. Gender-based violence and the effects of “doing masculinity” can be detrimental—physically, psychologically and emotionally. There are many factors that lead to physical, verbal and sexual abuse, such as our cultural environment and the way hegemonic masculinity is reinforced in the media. The impact of abuse is cyclical and has been shown bleed over from one generation to the next. According to the National Violence Against Women survey (NVAW), 78% of rape victims are women and 80% of the time, those who were sexually violated knew their perpetrator. Out of those who reported being physically assaulted, stalked or raped, 64% of women (and 16% of men) reported that the perpetrator was an intimate partner, someone they probably trusted. Beyond the bruises, fear and anxiety, abuse is also linked to several other harmful effects. Reporting on findings from the NVAW, the American Bar Association notes (here) that girls who have experienced physical or sexual abuse are more than twice as likely to smoke, drink or use illegal drugs when compared to those who have not had such experiences, 32% of girls who had been abused reported having eating disorders, while only 12% of girls who had not been abused reported such disorders. The fact is that there are enough women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men that most of us know a victim of abuse and can put a face to these statistics. Is it any wonder why there is so much masculine violence aimed toward women when misogyny virtually floods the airwaves and can be so easily downloaded? As demonstrated in the documentary Beyond Beats and Rhymes, today’s hip hop often depicts violence perpetrated against women and seems to depend on exploiting and objectifying female bodies. This music may be catchy, but having it all over the radio is sending the wrong message to our youth. . . The extent to which masculine abuse against women is ultimately the result of hip hop may be debatable, but it is less debatable that abuse is cyclical. Those who abuse are often themselves victims of abuse. This was the case with my mother’s stepfather, who was her abuser. Not surprisingly, he was also abused as a child. The only way my mother knew how to break out of her abusive world was to reach out for help and spend decades in therapy. We have been raised in a society where masculinity is defined by muscles, strength, power and control. Just as the young men stated in “Tough Guise,” masculinity defines who men are and when men are not masculine enough, they are too often taunted as pussies, faggots, babies or bitches. If a man cries or appears emotional, he is stamped with any or all of these dreaded names. Jackson Katz’s film reminds us that true men are to be tough and emotionless, and there is evidence to suggest that the imperatives of masculinity are only becoming more severe. As Katz brought to our attention, G.I. Joe’s biceps have doubled in size over the past 20 years, and the musculature sculpted onto the Superman action figures has steadily increased. Young boys in our society are under the impression they will only be men if they are huge, muscular and powerful. They see men in the movies, television, music videos, and in the intimacy of their own homes demonstrating their masculinity in part by degrading women. These televised role models physically and verbally abuse women in order to gain respect, power and control. . .
Even though my mother got the help she needed, I still see how it affects her and her sisters. I have watched how they struggle to create healthy relationships with non-abusive men and how they find it difficult to become attached to people who truly care about them. They have battled with addictions and depression and are paralyzed when somebody close to them slips away. As I have observed with my mother and her sisters, it is incredibly hard putting a stop to abuse because those who are abused are often too scared to seek help. The men who are doing the abusing often do not feel the need or desire to change because they have been so thoroughly immersed in a culture which ties violence and aggression to their masculinity. As I have mentioned above, many of these men grew up with their fathers abusing them, watching their own mother’s get beaten up and raped, or even witnessing gender-based violence on television and in their communities. It is often the case that even when abusive men realize they are doing something wrong, they make excuses for their actions. Anderson and Umberson point this out in their article, “Gendering Violence: Masculinity and Power in Men’s Accounts of Domestic Violence.” They write that men often “excuse, rationalize, justify, and minimize their violence against female partners,” and moreover, “batterers deny responsibility for their violence” (p. 488). They typically blame women for “extreme provocation, a loss of control, or a minor incident that was blown out of proportion. The abusive men participate in the violence because they are ‘doing gender’ ” (p. 488). Violence, therefore, is a means of achieving masculinity, and men likely use violence to achieve their masculinity because it has been modeled for them time and again as an effective means for doing so. Abusive men, then, are following in the footsteps of the men in their lives. In order to end this destructive, devastating pattern, young men need to be taught how to interact with women without the possibility of violence. I believe violent speech acts and images, especially in music and video should be made illegal. I understand that depictions of violence toward women are only a fraction of the problem, but making such depictions illegal would be start. This would end to flippant justifications that society somehow approves of abuse from men, that “all men are doing it” anyway, or even that truly manly, men beat and rape women. Additionally, women need to understand that help is easily accessible. My mother is a supervisor for the Center for Abused Persons and there is a 24 hour hotline that anyone can call if they need immediate assistance or if they simply need to talk to someone. If you are being abused please seek help, and if you know someone who is being abused, please encourage them to seek help. There may not be a second opportunity. ~ Terrapin Love There has been significant debate on this blog about the pursuit of gender equality and the dismantling of the gender binary. In particular, Drizzle highlighted the possible detriment of raising children to be gender aschematic in contemporary society (here). Several bloggers strongly disagreed with Drizzle’s views, and explained that it is worthwhile and beneficial to raise a child in this manner. Country Girl explains that to raise a child without gender stratification may be a difficult task, but that we must try nonetheless (here). I agree that there is significant gender inequality in our society, and that it must be changed. However, I wish to discuss the consequences of some of the tactics that Country Girl and Lazy Lazarus suggest in their previous posts. Although neither author mentioned specific methods of raising children without gender, I believe that certain methods may inadvertently harm children. . .
Country Girl speaks to the broader implications of raising children without gender when she writes, “Children who have been exposed to gender aschematic ideas might be better equipped to become independent thinkers. They would be less inclined to simply accept the usual gendered explanations about how the world is supposed to work, and they will grow up having experienced what a world might look like if all people were equal and not stratified by gender.” Although I feel that many of these points may be accurate, I would like to acknowledge that dressing children in a sexually androgynous manner is a tactic by which many parents may raise there children without gender boundaries. I feel that this may actually do more harm to children. Since most children at school and in public are raised in a system of gender binaries, the tactic of dressing children androgynously may ultimately alienate them. I would like to know what Country Girl is doing in her own life to challenge the gender binary. Judging by her pseudonym, it appears she identifies herself by her gender above all else. I question whether Country Girl lives a life that is completely autonomous of gender norms. If she does not already, I suggest that she tries dressing in a sexually androgynous manner. That way she can experience what it’s actually like to go against our society’s intolerant gender norms. I would hope that she knows what its like, considering she is suggesting we raise our children this way. Raising children to fight your battles is not the answer to eliminating gender and social inequality. Consider the writings of Betsy Lucal, who is a woman that has a body type and style of dress that is not characterized as archetypically feminine in our society. Lucal has many experiences with people who put significant amounts of energy into assigning her a gender. In Lucal’s “What it Means to be Gendered Me,” She uses this social phenomenon of people “doing” gender for her to highlight how fixated we are on the gender binary. Although Lucal was born within a cultural system that operated by that binary, she eventually chose the brave path of living outside the gender binary. Dressing your child in this manner and forcing them outside the gender binary may result in serious consequences for them, including alienation, loneliness and serious confidence problems. Remember that Lucal chose that brave path; it was not assigned to her as a child. Alternatively, I suggest that we focus on finding realistic approaches to fighting injustice and inequality in our society. Raising your child to be gender aschematic will not help people in need and will not improve our society. Nor will it cause the gender binary to come crashing down. More successful and proven ways of fighting sexism include forming community groups and organizations, such as shelters for battered women or supporting organizations which protect and promote the rights of women. We should work in our communities to combat real problems ourselves, instead of forcing our children to bear the repercussions of challenging gender norms. ~ FLP Today in my sociology of gender lecture my Professor asked us the question “if you were to see a man walk down the street with a black eye what would be the first thing that comes to mind?” The class responded, “Oh, he got in a fight!” My professor then proceeded to ask “Ok….now if you saw a woman walking down the street with a black eye, what would you think?” The class responded “She was beat up!” People in the class assumed the woman was a victim in a domestic dispute, but the man was assumed to be an agent that could and would transform his environment. The example illustrates that we interact with men and women on different terms, but also that we often fail to notice how we are doing it. This tendency to have common sense ideas about how men and women operate in the world, and the different expectations we develop from that common sense is the double standard. Now, with regards to sex before marriage or having multiple sexual partners, one can easily see this double standard. I would like to begin this post by echoing the rhetorical question posed by Wenty in the last post: If we all agree men and women ought to be treated equally, then why are women shamed for being sexually active when men are congratulated? As has been pointed out on this blog (here), there is a hegemonic, gender ideology at work, which leads us to regard sexually active women as sluts, while sexually active men a rarely referred to as anything. A survey conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation, and reported in Contemporary Sexualities (2003), revealed that out of 500 boys and girls between the ages of 15 and 17, 92% reported that girls get bad reputations for having sex. Associate director and senior research scientist at the Center for Research at Wellesley College, Deborah Tolman, notes that as a result of this double standard “many girls find ways of transferring blame to escape responsibility for their sexual encounters.” The article goes on to explore the way “parents, not just peers, are also guilty of applying the sexual double standard to their children. 85 percent of teens said parents have different expectations of girls and boys. Even today, sexually active boys are ’ladykillers’ while girls are ’sluts.’” Sex has become something of a spectacle and can be found anywhere in present day America, so it is odd that we seem intent on sending the message that sex is shameful for women, Just watch any number of music videos or find the nearest commercial billboard. Sex clearly sells! American society is obsessed with sex, but we don’t demonstrate this obsession in a uniform way. More often than not, we passionately decry it as shameful when it involves women, but when a man like Lil Wayne demonstrates some provocative moves in his latest video, he is in no danger of being told he should feel ashamed. Similarly, the bawdy lyrics of Trey Songz’s latest hit are not perceived to be daring, but they would be if sung by a woman artist: “You gunna think I invented sex.” .
It is not just that there are double standards, but that the standards placed on women are themselves inconsistent and therefore impossible to satisfy. On the one hand, men frown on women who flaunt their sexuality, but at the same time, they seem to insist that half-naked women parade around in the background of music videos. Does anyone sense a trap? In their posts, ChelleBell and Wenty wrote about the practice of slut-shaming and noted that women are objectified, and their bodies are sought by men hoping to become manly. Masculinity theorists like Jackson Katz might point out that men, in fact, depend on sex with women in order to “do” masculinity well. A society characterized by hegemonic masculinity strongly encourages men to develop characteristics such as aggressiveness and a will to dominate, but it also encourages men to participate in the subordination of women, all in to the name of obtaining a true masculinity. ~ Country Girl citation: Teen Gender Double-Standard Persists. Contemporary Sexuality [serial online]. April 2003;37(4):7. Available from: Academic Search Premier, Ipswich, MA. Accessed May 4, 2010. |
AuthorsThe Class Blog Project, or CBP, is a blog featuring undergraduate students forming a critical dialogue with each other around ideas related to the sociology of gender. Archives
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